Brian and I made big batch of chili this week. Today I packed up six quarts of it for the freezer, and as I did, I remembered last summer. I was so scared and anxious and hopeful about the little one growing in my belly. As much as I wanted the baby (now Kathleen), I couldn't bring myself to do nothing baby related. I couldn't clean and set up the nursery. I got as far as looking at cloth diapers online but wanted to throw up at the thought of ordering them. I couldn't organize clothes or find the car seat. I couldn't buy anything baby related.
Instead, I stocked my freezer. This was baby-related as I wanted meals on hand to make things easier once the baby came, but we would have to eat no matter what so I could fill the freezer and pantry without feeling like I was preparing for the baby. I got meat from a local farm CSA and stockpiled meat from the supermarket when it was on sale. I marinated chicken. I made lasagnas and stuffed peppers. I froze quart after quart of tomatoes. I blanched and froze green beans. I picked strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, and peaches. I froze berries and made jam. I filled bags with homemade multigrain waffles and banana oat muffins. It was what I could do.
To my babylost mama friends who are pregnant again (there seems to be a big batch of you right now), I am so happy and hopeful for you.
I wish you healthy, happy, living babies. I hope you have safe deliveries and easy recovery for mom and baby. And I hope, that somewhere in the midst of anxiety and sadness, you are able to find some joy in the pregnancy itself. It's something I wish I had been able to do, to embrace the possibility more rather than the fear. Peace, love, and strength to you all.