Friday, June 3, 2011

Right Where I Am: a week later

His birthday was easy this year, so let out the breath I was holding and moved into June.

Tonight, it struck me as I closed the door to Kathleen's room. I could (should) have a four year old right now. Four. I see that in other children, other families and can't quite picture it here in my house. Four. I know, I recognized that on his birthday, but it hit me with that sudden realization that I can't see four, can't imagine it here.

Tonight, it rolled over me as I sat comforting and settling Elizabeth. I held Henry the day he died—but not the day he was born. And sadness rumbled up though me for the four year old that I will never know. For the first day I will never have. For that last day that I will always have.


All of what I said just before his birthday holds true, but this is true too. This is where I am tonight in the missing wallow and the disbelief.

5 comments:

  1. Disbelief. Yep. That still sums up me to a certain extent on most days. When I really let my mind go there, and think about what should be, the disbelief is palpable.
    Missing Henry with you. Your gorgeous four year old.
    xo

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  2. I held Henry the day he died—but not the day he was born.

    I'm so sorry. I wish you and your boy could have shared that first day.

    And I deeply wish that you had not already shared your last. That should not have been until many, many years from now.

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  3. Wishing your four year old boy was here with you, making you laugh. I understand what you mean; I wish like hell my one and a half year old girl was here with us, but I can't see her.
    xo

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  4. I didn't hold Jordan when she was born either. :(

    I have been sitting on this post for several days. I don't seem to be able to find the right words for it... All I can say is, I am here too and I hear you and of all the habylost mamas I now know, I have always connected with your words the most.

    Missing Henry and wishing he were here... xx

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  5. I wish you could have held Henry when he was born. What a sweet little boy!! It is hard to picture what they'd be now because they are forever babies in our minds.

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