Friday, June 24, 2011

No more binkies, no more babies

The Binky Fairy came this week. Kathleen said goodbye to all her binkies (Pink and Yellow and Blue and Green and Other Green). She put them in a bag and we put the bag out on the porch. She went to bed tonight with two of her dolls and a small blanket square from her nana to hug if she needed it. I read her an extra story. She did not ask about a binky, though I was up and down the stairs because she was wet and banged her elbow and was wet again. I knew I needed to really get rid of the binkies, not tuck them someplace where she might find them, but I had a hard time putting them in the trash. And later when I went up to check on her before I went to bed, I looked for them, ready to put them in reach. I'll be glad they are gone, but it felt sad somehow at this sign of her growing up, of this thing she must let go of.

I'm in a letting go phase. 

I went to my OB-Gyn yesterday for my annual exam, nothing baby related. It was weird to walk in there knowing that unless I had some problem that I'd only be there once a year from now on. It was a reminder that I'm done.

There will be no more babies for me. Mostly I'm okay with this. 

I think.

You wouldn't know it from the bins of maternity clothes in the attic, the ones I can't quite bring myself to drop off in a Salvation Army box or Freecycle. I've parceled a few things off to one of my sister's friends. I've promised some to a babylost mama friend of mine. I've offered some to a friend from the neighborhood. I feel like I can give them away to somebody I know but not just get rid of them.

You wouldn't know it from the boxes of 0-3 and 3-6 month clothes that I'm trying to pack up. I know they should not go into the attic, but I'm sure that's where they will probably go for a while.

I love seeing Kathleen grow, all the new things she does, the way her mind works. I love watching Elizabeth rolling around, holding her head up, jumping, tasting foods. I'm okay with them growing and changing and moving on to new stages. 

I'm still having trouble letting go of the stuff though. Does that mean I'm not really letting go?


  1. I think there are steps on the road to letting go. You have taken some, and there are still some to be taken. I think it's encouraging to read that you didn't just throw everything out, it's more understandable (to me) that you'd still box and save things fir a time. Thanks for sharing.

  2. Do you think it is a case of feeling that we'll never feel like we're done? That our families will always be incomplete and we'll be yearning for that one more? I think for those, like you, who lost one gender then went on to have more of the other, this could also amplify things. I don't know. I might find out myself in a few weeks if I have another boy.
    Must be hard to say that's it - no more. I feel like we'll be done after this one (should he or she make it), but never say never. Not very convincing, am I?

  3. I am kind of right there, too. Well, on the no-more-babies thing, and getting rid of all things newborn and maternity. It's bittersweet, certainly. I mean, I think a hard thing for me to realize is that even if we WANTED to have another baby, I don't think I could emotionally make it through another pregnancy. Even though two was always our plan . . . but we all know how plans go, huh?

    Anyway. E had the pacifier fairy visit back in the winter, and I still have those guys in my top drawer. O kind of couldn't care less about the pacifier, so maybe she won't visit us again :)

    Thinking of you.

  4. I'm a clinger and a packrat myself, so this post really resonates. I think letting go is a long process, involving many steps, and some of those steps aren't easy. Sometimes it helps me to choose a few things to intentionally hold on to. I'm starting to wonder if Dot will be an only child. Well, an only living child. I'm not sure if the thought makes me sad or relieved.

    I am Dot's pacifier, and am already kind of dreading the end to our nighttime cuddles even as I think longingly of having more time (and my boobs!) back to myself at night again.