Friday, June 3, 2011

Right Where I Am: a week later

His birthday was easy this year, so let out the breath I was holding and moved into June.

Tonight, it struck me as I closed the door to Kathleen's room. I could (should) have a four year old right now. Four. I see that in other children, other families and can't quite picture it here in my house. Four. I know, I recognized that on his birthday, but it hit me with that sudden realization that I can't see four, can't imagine it here.

Tonight, it rolled over me as I sat comforting and settling Elizabeth. I held Henry the day he died—but not the day he was born. And sadness rumbled up though me for the four year old that I will never know. For the first day I will never have. For that last day that I will always have.

All of what I said just before his birthday holds true, but this is true too. This is where I am tonight in the missing wallow and the disbelief.


  1. Disbelief. Yep. That still sums up me to a certain extent on most days. When I really let my mind go there, and think about what should be, the disbelief is palpable.
    Missing Henry with you. Your gorgeous four year old.

  2. I held Henry the day he died—but not the day he was born.

    I'm so sorry. I wish you and your boy could have shared that first day.

    And I deeply wish that you had not already shared your last. That should not have been until many, many years from now.

  3. Wishing your four year old boy was here with you, making you laugh. I understand what you mean; I wish like hell my one and a half year old girl was here with us, but I can't see her.

  4. I didn't hold Jordan when she was born either. :(

    I have been sitting on this post for several days. I don't seem to be able to find the right words for it... All I can say is, I am here too and I hear you and of all the habylost mamas I now know, I have always connected with your words the most.

    Missing Henry and wishing he were here... xx

  5. I wish you could have held Henry when he was born. What a sweet little boy!! It is hard to picture what they'd be now because they are forever babies in our minds.