Wednesday, March 10, 2010

A new fear

I spent 5 hours in the ER today. I'm fine, it seems, but a new fear was awakened in me. What if something happens to me?

As I sat in my chair before we left, feeling a little lightheaded and just not quite right with my left arm tingling like crazy and my face starting to tingle, I watched Kathleen and thought about not seeing her grow up, about not being there for her, about what I would miss, but about her not having me. Somehow in the web of worries I had before she was born and those panicked moments when you think maybe the baby is just too still—and even as I watched my sister-in-law dying and having to say goodbye to her kids— it never occurred to me that something might happen to me. 

I hugged that girl extra tight when we picked her up from my friend's house, and even though I hustled her through dinner and a bath and her bedtime routine, I snuggled her extra before tucking her into bed. I want to see my baby girl grow up. It sounds so simple, doesn't it?

4 comments:

  1. Oh Sara, I'm glad you are ok! I've had tingles and numbness (from stress and anxiety it turned out) and it really scared me, too. Take good care of yourself!

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  2. this fear has hit me hard ever since micah arrived. i see how unbelievably dependent he is on me...for nutrition, for comfort...and it scares the crap out of me what would happen if i wasn't there for him.
    glad you are ok!!

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  3. Mary, stress and anxiety seem like likely culprits. I was just noticed how stressed I was the other day. After all the anxiety I went through with Henry in the hospital and then being pregnant with Kathleen, nothing in my life seems like it should be all that stressful. I guess sometimes the little day-to-day stuff wears us down.

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  4. I'm so glad you are alright. The tingling sounds scary. Do you suffer from migraines at all? Just that your description of the tingling sounds like my migraine 'warning', how I know that I am about to get one?

    It does sound simple, that we live, that our children live. Simple and yet an entire world of complexity. All at once. x

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