Wednesday, March 10, 2010

A new fear

I spent 5 hours in the ER today. I'm fine, it seems, but a new fear was awakened in me. What if something happens to me?

As I sat in my chair before we left, feeling a little lightheaded and just not quite right with my left arm tingling like crazy and my face starting to tingle, I watched Kathleen and thought about not seeing her grow up, about not being there for her, about what I would miss, but about her not having me. Somehow in the web of worries I had before she was born and those panicked moments when you think maybe the baby is just too still—and even as I watched my sister-in-law dying and having to say goodbye to her kids— it never occurred to me that something might happen to me. 

I hugged that girl extra tight when we picked her up from my friend's house, and even though I hustled her through dinner and a bath and her bedtime routine, I snuggled her extra before tucking her into bed. I want to see my baby girl grow up. It sounds so simple, doesn't it?


  1. Oh Sara, I'm glad you are ok! I've had tingles and numbness (from stress and anxiety it turned out) and it really scared me, too. Take good care of yourself!

  2. this fear has hit me hard ever since micah arrived. i see how unbelievably dependent he is on me...for nutrition, for comfort...and it scares the crap out of me what would happen if i wasn't there for him.
    glad you are ok!!

  3. Mary, stress and anxiety seem like likely culprits. I was just noticed how stressed I was the other day. After all the anxiety I went through with Henry in the hospital and then being pregnant with Kathleen, nothing in my life seems like it should be all that stressful. I guess sometimes the little day-to-day stuff wears us down.

  4. I'm so glad you are alright. The tingling sounds scary. Do you suffer from migraines at all? Just that your description of the tingling sounds like my migraine 'warning', how I know that I am about to get one?

    It does sound simple, that we live, that our children live. Simple and yet an entire world of complexity. All at once. x