Sunday, January 10, 2010

Going to bed

Lately I've been having trouble going to bed. I find myself staying up late, even when Kathleen is settled. I'd say that I'm just enjoying the time to myself, except I'm not really. I'm not reading or writing or working on the projects that I look at all day unable to begin. I'm not doing something I care about or want to do. Instead I'm reading blogs online, searching randomly, endlessly, playing games online, mindlessly.

This is what I did for months in early 2008, because I couldn't go to bed, because as my mind and body began to shut down for the night, I let my guard down and the pain that I had pushed away just enough to be able to breathe through the course of the day came in and crushed me. I cried hard, though usually not too long. So I dreaded going to bed. Each night I'd put it off, midnight, 1, 3 . . ., but no matter when I went, grief still hit me hard.

It isn't the sadness that hits me when I turn out the light now, but I'm not sure what it is. I'm a bit restless at night, unable to settle, not really able to focus, and it reminds me of sitting in the darkness, searching, searching, searching for somebody like me. Somebody who understood why I was sitting here exhausted unable to go to bed.

So here I am again writing online, peeking to see if it's my turn in my Scrabble game, looking to see if any of my favorite blogs have been updated . . . and waiting to see what's going on, what it is that's nagging me and keeping me from wanting to shut down.


  1. I understand this Sara. I really do. Wishing you moments of quiet and peace.

  2. Oh Sara, I really get this. I do the same thing...up late at night, looking for something. Checking blogs, scanning FB, anything but going to bed. I feel like somehow the day didn't bring enough, didn't fill me up enough, and so I am left searching. Too tired to dive into those projects I really care about and yet not willing to give up on the day either. You are not alone in this feeling...

  3. I find myself doing the same thing, just not at night. I search, for something, anything to ease that ..... whatever it is that makes me search. I look out the window, again, searching for what I know I can not find. I devour the blogs as they are posted, never feeling satisfied as I hope to, the hunger still knocking around inside of my heart.

    It is hard to live with this unsettled restlessness. It is worse some days than others. Yesterday was bad, and I expect it will remain bad since my neighbors son died. I am balancing my grief for her and the raw memories of grief I lived after Liam. Yesterday I wrote, then cleaned, then looked out the window, went to the craft store and bought scrapping materials for Liam's book and the book for the baby we hope to have, and bought new paint, and a candle for my neighbor. I came home still restless and feeling worse for having bought all that stuff. I painted, but it did not turn out as I wanted. I walked the dogs and placed the candle in my neighbors box. And still the restlessness vibrated within. I checked my email, checked blogs, cooked dinner and did laundry. I cleaned dishes, checked email and blogs again. Read a bit. But it never went away.

    I guess what this long ramble is saying is you are not alone in your restelssness. I think we all know what it is we are looking for and why it is we never find it. For you it is Henry. For me it is Liam. And it seems we will always be looking.

    Love and Peace

  4. Having Jasper has brought the sleeplessness back for me. I identify with this post so much. Wishing you peace and love too.