I cried today. Tears welled up and there was no stopping them. It was a quiet, but persistent cry as the tears seeped out of me. I cried while Brian held Kathleen. I cried as I worked in the garden, wiping snot and dirt on my old t-shirt. I cried as I washed the dirt from my hands and finished making dinner. And then I just stopped. For now.
Next week Kathleen will "graduate" from the baby group. The group goes up to four months, and Kathleen hits four months a week from Saturday. Maria, the group leader, is going on vacation next week, so she wanted to say good-bye to the three of us who will finish up next week. As she stood there and told me she was glad I came back, I thought of coming with Henry. Reaching the end of the group feels like a milestone in and of itself, one I didn't hit with Henry. He turned four months, but he was in the hospital at the time. We got back once after his surgery. It felt triumphant to go, to just carry him in, no oxygen! I thought we were really just getting started.
I feel us moving with Kathleen into things that Henry never did—finishing the baby group, wearing 3-6 month clothes, grasping toys . . . . And I know there are so many more to come.
Oh yeah - crossing that line into the 'never did that before' is not easy. For me it was deliving a living baby. Once I did that I thought it would just 'be' or 'click' or something...but it was more like, "Wait - I didn't get to this point before what do I do now?
ReplyDeleteOh Kathleen, you are getting so very big. Your brother must look down at you and smile.