This is the week.
December 11–17
I knew my joy-grief was packed tightly into this month, but the alignment of the calendar brings that so into focus this year. One week to mark birth birth death.
Sunday Kathleen turns three.
Thursday Elizabeth turns one.
And Saturday Henry will have been gone four years.
We have a busy, but low key week planned.
Tomorrow evening, if we can, a train ride through the park to see the lights. A cupcake she doesn't have to share. A gift. Monday birthday dinner with neighbors. Tuesday more cake with friends. Thursday. Oh, my. I haven't planned anything special for Elizabeth's actual birthday. More cake? Something to open (her real gift will be blueberry bushes, as was Kathleen's on her first birthday, though they have yet to be planted). Poor second/third child. I was okay with not giving her a big party, but perhaps, I should do something to mark that day.
And Saturday?
All I knew was I didn't want a birthday party that day, for my girls or anyone else. It was one thing I didn't think I could handle. But we got invited to two holiday parties. We could easily have bowed out of either, but we're going to both. Part of reclaiming this month. Part of reclaiming our lives. And right now, it feels okay, good even. I need to go to the cemetery in the morning, so that we we head out in the evening and drive by his grave, I'll have been there already.
The next day, the 18th we start the Christmas cycle.
But first, this jam-packed week.
And to start that week, a birthday.
Your December, my August. Two dreary winter months for us both. How do we ever get through them with our sanity in tact?
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Oh, Sara, what a week. It seems impossibly impossible for a week with such joy and heartbreak. I hear you about reclaiming this month. In some ways, I think this month is becoming my favorite, because I sit in all these disparate emotions without struggle. I have to just be present once again with grief and joy and the rest of the world. I don't know. Sending you love, as always, and remembering Henry with you.
ReplyDeleteGood for you for reclaiming this month. I still shy away from anything that happens around the 18th. Thinking of Henry, and sending lots of love.
ReplyDeleteSending lots of love and peace as you head through this week and beyond.
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday, Kathleen! Happy Birthday, Elizabeth! I love the idea of blueberry bushes as a gift.
And Henry, sweet boy, you are so loved and missed.
Oh Sara. Oh my. That is a very tightly packed period of time. One week. And then Christmas? So much joy and so much grief. December must seem fit to burst.
ReplyDeleteI hope your girls enjoy their birthdays. I love the present of blueberry bushes, is that from Neil Gaiman's 'Blueberry Girl?' I just adore that book, I bought it for Jessica shortly after Georgina died.
I love your description of Elizabeth, second/third child. My tongue always ties myself in knots over what number / order my own children are. I wish that second/third was a widely accepted description.
I hope that Henry's day passes peacefully for you, that you enjoy those parties with his little sisters and find calmness and serenity when you visit the cemetery to remember your beloved son. Thinking of you and of all your children over these coming days and weeks. xo
Thinking of you as you and your family move through these activity- and emotion-packed days. I'm wishing your girls very happy birthdays, and willing you strength to get through these days, grabbing as much joy and peace for yourself as you can.
ReplyDeleteThinking of your beautiful Henry and holding you all in my heart.