Thursday, December 1, 2011

December 1

It is here, the month of dark and dread. All year, I face it with trepidation or push it off when I can. I have faced three Decembers since that day when he died. Two were tempered with life and joy and love  and welcoming of new little lives. One almost drowned me. One took me deeper than I thought I could go. There is no new baby this year to soften the blow, distract me, throw me a lifeline, and it feels like a test of sorts to survive this month, to do better than survive.

Today I skipped our music class because we all have colds
I read stories with Kathleen
sipped the garlic chicken soup I froze months ago to stave off our first winter cold
sorted through my old dollhouse furniture to find the pieces appropriate to pass on to Kathleen this Christmas
prioritized my Christmas list and got ready to let go of some pieces
gave myself time to sit and read
worked on an ornament for another mom
really looked at Henry's face in the pictures in Brian's office, different pictures than those I look at every day

smiled as my girls induced big belly laughs in each other

thought about my friends who have reasons to pause in December as well.

I changed my calendars today. It is December. So far, so good.


  1. Hoping you feel better soon. Sending lots of love and warmth for December.

  2. I hope that you are able to do better than survive, but surviving is good, too. Thinking of you and Henry and sending so much love to you and yours.

  3. It is never easy. This reminded me of my annual August post, also in the winter.

    Love to you all.


  4. Thinking of you this month. It is interesting what you say about not having a new baby to soften the blow. I haven't been through an August yet without a new-ish baby to almost comfort me along. I wonder what it will feel like without one? Testing I should imagine?

    It sounds as though you had a lovely day with all your children though. As Erica says, surviving is good. Doing more is great. Sending love to you and your family and remembering your precious boy this December xo

  5. Love, love, and more love, Sara. As one of my friends said on Hudson's birthday, it's amazing how one day (or month, in your case) can be so full and so empty at one time.