Wednesday, July 28, 2010


If I weren't pregnant, I'd be relaxing with a glass of wine right now and then going to bed early. But I am, and dinner is running late, so no wine and probably not an early bedtime. 

I had my first ultrasound today. Everything looks good, but I'm exhausted. 

I was anxious when we went in. Kathleen cried because I couldn't hold her, so they sent Brian out of the room with her before we even started. As he was walking out of the room, I burst into tears. He was able to come back in when she settled down, and I pulled it together. Still, I was wiped out when we were done. 

At the end of my ultrasound when I was pregnant with Kathleen, the doctor told me that I had a 1% chance of having a baby with Down syndrome because I had had one. Then he patted me on the leg condescendingly and says, "That means 99% chance everything will be fine." Thanks for the math lesson jackass. I think it was the same doctor today. He said the same thing minus the leg pat. 

I did breathe a little easier after we saw a heart with four chambers, normal flow between them. I was relieved to see no cleft palate, no spina bifida. The baby is measuring right, brain, kidneys, diaphragm all looked fine. . . 

I take this as good news, knowing the limitations of this technology. But 99% doesn't mean a whole lot to me. I've been the 1%, the less than 1%. Odds are meaningless. 

I am relieved that things look good right now. 
I am hopeful that this baby will be born healthy, happy, alive, and whole come December.
And I wait, day by day, week by week, until we get there and see for sure. 


  1. I hope so too, Sara. I wont patronise you by saying everything will be okay (because we live in a different world now). I would attempt to comfort myself by thinking statistically we have a good chance of no problems but I didn't really believe them until that baby was screaming in my arms on the way out the door of the hospital...

    Thinking of you and hoping time passes quickly and safely for all of you. xx

  2. Thanks, Sophie. I can very much accept that our chances are good that everything will OK. I just know too many faces of not OK. You know . . . It is easier for me this time around, but still there is underlying anxiety.

  3. 99 per cent is still a good place to be but yeah, I get you. Doesn't guarantee anything. Someone will always still be that one. Sigh.
    Sending love.

  4. Odds mean nothing to me these days. Once you've been in the less than 1% suddenly odds just seem different.

    Glad the ultra sound showed a healthy baby. Good luck.

  5. I'm glad the ultrasound went well.

    I know what you mean about statistics. The odds of having a stillborn baby at 21 weeks are small, but I beat them once. The odds of having a baby with amniotic band syndrome are even smaller, but I beat those odds too. Whenever people tell me that it probably won't happen again, it gives me no comfort most of the time. Everyone, even my doctor who probably sees this sort of thing often enough, was surprised when it happened. And I have read the stories of people it has happened to more than once, so statistics are of no comfort to me anymore.

  6. I am hoping hard that all will be well, and I'm glad the ultrasound went well (aside from the condescending doc - argh) and that you got through it okay. I wish that ultrasounds weren't on the list of "very hard things to get through." I know so many women who simply look forward to them, and I was so jealous of that last summer.