Tuesday, February 17, 2009

February Thaw

Spring is coming, but first snow.

I know that I keep talking about spring and I know it is far away, but this time of year hints of spring buoy me up. Today was in the 40s and sunny. The sky was blue and clear, the air had a softness to it. There is still plenty of snow, but our dirt driveway was muddy.

Coming in from a walk, I remembered a February day last year, a day that was warm and bright like today, a day that smelled of wet dirt. I felt the hope then too.

Henry had been gone for about two months. The numbness was wearing off. Waves of understanding that this was forever threatened to drown me. Everything was so bleak. And then, came that February day that screamed spring and hope bubbled up in me, just a bit. I remembered spring. It would be warm again and bright. Things would grow; green would enter the world's palette again.

It would not always be so cold and stark, dark and bleak. I knew my darkness wouldn't end with winter's short days, but I knew that someday I would stand in the light again.

So here I am a year later, my grief still very much a part of me and my life. It touches everything, but does not overshadow it. There are still hard days, but things are brighter; my capacity to hope deeper.

Today was warm; tomorrow it may snow. But I know spring is coming.


  1. Throughout my grief thus far I have found the change of seasons confusing. Ezra died Labor Day weekend, and so I completely missed the transition from Summer to Fall...by the time I woke up to the season, we were deep into Fall...and then Winter came and I couldn't understand why - wasn't it just Summer? So I'm ambivalent about how I feel about Spring approaching...I haven't really found reason to hope again yet.

  2. I, too, await the coming of Spring, although I also anticipate how the spring is my hard season. But, that being said, each year I am soothed by the new life. It truly does bring hope.
    I loved your Valentine's day post, too. It was beautiful.
    And, I loved seeing you on the road today! I had been thinking about you (as we were approaching your house) and suddenly, there you were!

  3. As I just posted on another blog, the change of seasons brings an sense of anxiety within me. Subtle, but there all the same. Spring does stir up feelings of Hope, but with that a sense of desires that will never be fulfilled. As sense of all things are possible, and nothing is possible.

    Spring does help thaw my frozen heart, this the second since Liam has died. Nature offers me inspiration and understanding.

  4. Sun and hope certainly do go hand in hand. This morning was a sunny, hopeful, walking morning - and now - cloud cover and thick snow falling from the sky.

    (sigh) both emotions refected in the weather of one day. Sometimes I think nature does get our grief.