Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The countdown

Just over a week until this baby is born.
If all goes as planned.

I feel the need to add that disclaimer. I usually say, "December 15—or early if the baby has other ideas," but lately I've been worried that it might be later. I've been fighting off a chest cold/asthma flair up. I feel like I've turned the corner, but I'm not 100% yet, not even 90%. I'm tired and coughing more than I'd like, certainly more than I'd like to be doing after abdominal surgery. Then Kathleen woke up with her nose running all over her face and had a fever by mid-morning yesterday. No fever so far, but green snots galore. I'm wiping her nose constantly and washing my hands obsessively and eating chicken soup and drinking orange juice and hot tea with honey and waiting to see how I feel a week from tomorrow.

My back, which bothered me since the earliest days of my pregnancy, seems to have decided it's okay. Aside from the coughing, I'm breathing easier. Sleep is elusive, though, but I'm trying to rest when I can.

That's the physical.

As for the emotional, that seems to be mostly okay too. I have moments of panic—that they won't do my c-section as scheduled, that the baby will need to go to the NICU and they won't let me in because of my cough, that Brian will catch something from one of us and won't be able to be there, that my low weight gain that my OBs have commented on but aren't worried about is actually a sign of something bad . . . mostly these thoughts stay in check except in the middle of the night when our demons are strongest.

December hasn't really hit me this year, but perhaps that's because my calendar ends on 12/15. I can focus on that mid-month date. I can spend less energy on the lead up to 12/17. There is no pressure, internal or external, to have a holly, jolly Christmas. I'm having a baby on 12/15, whatever I do for Christmas is enough. I can cut myself a little slack this year, as I did the year Kathleen was born. Other years, though, I don't want it to be like this. I want to put up a tree, bake cookies, sing carols, wrap presents, feel the magic and the joy and the anticipation.

This year there will be only Henry's little tree, a few presents wrapped, and anticipation, but not of the holiday, but of a birth that comes ten days before.

A week from tomorrow. If all goes as planned.


  1. My fingers are crossed and I'm sending lots of love and hope to where you are - hope that the colds vanish into thin air, that the birth goes really, really well.

    I'm glad that you can let the holly, jolly Christmases wait. You're right - you've got plenty of anticipation on your plate right now.

  2. Isn't it crazy how quickly worries can spiral out of control, even before the things have happened. All those things probably wont happen, but I know it is so easy for your mind to go there. I did the same things.
    I'm thinking of you day and night as you head towards the big day/s. It is simply unbelievable how much this month holds for you.

  3. Thinking of you and all your children this December, Henry, Kathleen and your little one to come. I really hope that everything goes smoothly for you and, as Sally says, it is amazing how much this month will hold for you and your family. xo

  4. Hoping everything goes smoothly. Thinking of you. xx

  5. Wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you these days before you welcome your new little one. Hoping your and your family have a peaceful holiday season. Mary

  6. Thinking of you, Sara. All of your children are so lucky to have you as their mama.