Easier, but . . .

Despite my meltdown of the last couple of days and the angst about scheduling my c-section, this pregnancy has been much easier than my last.

I can actually look ahead and think about having a baby.

Last time I couldn't order diapers or get clothes out of the attic or imagine bringing a baby home, certainly not right away. All I could do was fill up my freezer, easy meals would be good no matter what. When I packed my bag for the hospital, I wanted to bring a bunch of extra clothes in case we didn't come home right away. Brian had to convince me to just put a pile out on my chair for somebody to pick up if they needed to. When I went to the hospital, I made sure I had Carol's number. Just in case.

This time I have diapers back from the friend we borrow from, and the newborn clothes are in the closet. I'm trying to figure out where to fit the swing amid Kathleen's things. I've found coverage for my one on-going freelance gig. This time I'm not thinking about bring stacks of clothes for my self, but of packing my Henry book and the yellow blanket to get through the 17th. I'm thinking about having Kathleen come to the hospital to see her new brother or sister. "Bay-beee," she'll say. "Eyes! Noooose!" It is one of those bittersweet moments, and I fully expect it to happen.

I am better able to believe that this baby will be born alive and healthy, that we will stay in the hospital only the normal number of days post–c-section. So the anxiety sneaks up on me sometimes. Of course it is still there, but so is hope, a calmer, brighter hope than last time, a less desperate hope.

I actually had that OB visit today. Everything looks good, sounds good. Baby is moving, moving, moving. "Everything is okay." It's what you want to say when come through the door after an OB appointment, whether you're crying or not.

Today, everything was okay. The baby seems fine. I baked cookies. Kathleen pointed to the stool next to her and told me "Seat," so I sat with her while she colored. The sun shone. Today I held it together and it wasn't so hard.